This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
