Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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