so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
