A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
