This dress was meant to end up on your floor
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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