I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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