She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize