the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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