I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
operation have a gay friend backfired
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
