I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
