i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
