I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
