Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
