So drunk its hurt
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize