my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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