woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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