A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
