When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
