I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize