Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
