My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
