can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
