Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I am spending my child support on dildos
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
