Only a mothe r could love this liver
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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