PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
