My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
