Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He's on the porch naked. Help.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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