Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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