69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize