Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
