You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
