Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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