my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
