I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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