dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
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