I want to have your abortion
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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