What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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