I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
