Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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