At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
