I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
