based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
