dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize