im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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