please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
