It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
