drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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