Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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