tonight lets celebrate not being married
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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