I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize