So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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