everyone is single if you try hard enough
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
