if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
