dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
