so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
