Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
