y did u give ur computer a hand job?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
