I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
