someone threw a dead crab at me
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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