i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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