The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
