i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
