God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
