YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
