I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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