If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
