So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
